How To End Up Under The Knife

For those of my Facebook friends and followers who are jealous of my recent surgical odessy, I am now going to post my suggestions for how to put yourself in a position to end up in a Surgical Suite and under the doctor's knife.  Ready?  Here we go:

How To Require Surgery:

1. Wake up with what you assume is heartburn one Saturday morning (this is important, it must be a Saturday), take over-the-counter generic antacids, ignore any ensuing problems the rest of the day
2. Have severe "heartburn" late at night, try taking more antacids followed by Alka-seltzer, then Advil. Have no further symptoms or problems for a week.
3. Suffer more "heartburn" the following Saturday, take more over-the-counter generic antacids. Tell your sister that, if it happens the following Saturday, you're calling your doctor.
4. Late that night (any time after midnight is optimal) skip the Alka-seltzer and go straight to the Advil.  Spend the night sitting at a 45 degree angle in your recliner because it's too uncomfortable to lay flat - getting less than a couple hours of sleep is best at this point.
5. Have a good day the following day, no pain, no need for antacids of any kind until late evening.
6. Once again, after midnight, have another serious problem with "heartburn" and spend the night in the recliner.
7. Call your doctor's office for an appointment first thing the next morning and find out you likely have gall stones (if it's not constipation or gas.... it won't be)
8. Get an ultrasound and be told that you have a "sludgy" gallbladder (this means they cannot see for certain if you have gall stones - they will still be certain that you do), it will need to come out.
9. That Friday, throw your doctor for a complete loop by going off schedule and have severe pain in the general area of the gallbladder. 
10. Go to the Urgent Care to have it checked.  After having a shot to reduce the pain (an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 is best for this type of episode) return home with the doctor's diagnosis of pancreatitis (resulting from the sludgy gallbladder) and a prescription for Vicoden (you will learn to love this drug!)
11. Walk - and eat - gingerly for the rest of the week until the doctors schedule you for (not quite emergency) surgery for that Friday.
12. Go to the hospital for your scheduled surgery (hope you don't get a nurse who admits she's not really a prep nurse and needs to "read a book" before continuing to get you ready for your surgery and who KNOWS HOW TO PROPERLY INSERT AN I.V., .... this does not usually include keeping your fist clenched!)
13. Have the anasthesiologist and the O.R. nurse enter, proclaiming it's "Margarita Time!", and shoot you up with whatever cocktail they've mixed especially for you (you may remember the ensuing teasing and/or ride into the O.R., but this is doubtful.... do not expect to)
14. Slowly become aware of someone insistently calling your name and telling you that you have to wake up now.  This is not a bad experience, but if you're slow to wake up in a normal situation, it's even more difficult at this particular time. The nurses are not understanding of this.  They will continue to insist that you must wake up.  You will eventually oblige just to get them to quit harrassing you.
15. Moving very slowly, go home to recover.  Expect some discomfort from either the surgery or the post-operative effects of the CO2 they will pump into you at the time of the surgery.  Of course, if you've already suffered the effects of pancreatitis mentioned earlier, any effects from the CO2 will be less than negligable unless your are a bigger chicken-sissy-la-la-baby-girlie-man-nerd about pain than I am.  Expect to be fussed over for no more than a few days. After that, it gets tedious for the fussers, especially if they are constantly having to put your recliner down, or pull it up, or help you out of the chair, or into the chair, or buying you jello (since you shouldn't eat much more than bland food for several days) or.... well, you get the idea...

Following these instructions will ensure you your own trip to the doctor followed by a quick trip to the O.R. and the locally recommended surgeon after which you may lounge about in your p.j.s and play the sympathy card for as long as you can get away with it. Just be sure to follow any post operative care instructions your doctor gave you.
Failure to stick to your doctor's orders may earn you a second trip to the O.R.  While that didn't happen to me (I behaved!) a 2nd trip sounds like even less fun than the 1st.  And I doubt your family members will be as sympathetic and/or helpful as the first time around. 
Remember, this is a cow you can only milk once.